Cut the Shit

Magic Changes Not only was my Thanksgiving super awesome, over the weekend I moved into my new apartment with Paul! I had been dreading this move for months as Paul informed me that he would have to work the entire weekend. In order for us to move everything in before the 1st of the month, I had to move both apartments (his and mine) by myself. Well, not entirely by myself. My wonderful and overly supportive parents offered to give me a hand. And what a hand they gave! It took us 12 hours from start to finish. My 55 year old dad busted his ass harder than any of my friends would have. He and I just kept charging up and down the stairs with armfuls of boxes and furniture. We were covered in sweat and our muscles ached like nobody’s business. The best part of the move for me? My dad’s incredibly positive attitude. “You can do it Joe! Stay patient! Keep it up! Remember to breathe!” The worst part of the move? Arriving at Paul’s apartment to find that he had only packed up half of his stuff. Not only did my dad and I have to move everything out of his place, I had to box have of it up myself too! I was a tad furious, but my dad kept my anger under control. I am now officially moved in. Let me tell you…the apartment is the best place I have ever seen in my life! My favorite aspect of it has to be the ceilings. It’s an art deco building, so they are all sculpted and cool and they go up to the heavens. I feel like I live in a cathedral! Also, it’s bigger than any apartment I’ve ever lived in. Having an ATM as well as a DVD rental store in the building makes me feel as though I live in serious luxury. We also have a gym and laundry and an electronic package delivery service. AND there is a garbage room on every floor! AND (haha) we have cable already without even having to call! To say the least, I am SO happy to be living with Paul in this beautiful apartment. We are already being nicer and more patient with each other. Not having to deal with people going in and out of the place every five minutes surely makes for a calmer living situation. I made dinner last night and it was waiting for him when he got home. We have actual counter space in the kitchen, so I can cook real meals! Not only did my parents move me in to my new place, they also got us some incredible housewarming gifts. I had asked for a wine rack for Christmas, but my mom decided that I needed one as soon as I moved in. On top of that, she picked one that was twice the price of the one I had picked out, so it’s much much nicer. They also got us beautiful new wine glasses, a bottle of wine, and a fondue set! I think they are more excited about the new place than I am. I feel naturally calm and happy today. I’m not worried who’s going to barge into the apartment tonight while I’m trying to watch TV. I don’t have to wait to use the shower in the morning. AND it’s so nice and quiet at night when I’m trying to sleep. In fact, since the building I’m in was built “pre-war”, I can’t hear anything going on in ANY of the apartments. The walls are like 8 feet thick. I’m just…thrilled. I have more information about my trip to Albany for Thanksgiving, but today all I can think about is my new pad. I’ll be back this week with some funnier posts. Promise. As for the douche bag that freaked out in my comment section over the weekend, I would just like to say thank you for your comments. I copied them, along with your IP address and I circulated it among my blogging community. We all agree that you are one special person. Get a sense of humor fuckface! It always creates confusion for me when people spend a portion of their day attacking a journal. I mean, don’t you have any friends to play with? Don’t you have ANYTHING more constructive to do? Could you maybe volunteer to carry some drugs over the border in your belly? It makes me fill up with tears and sadness for you. No one is putting your time nor your stomach to good use! YAY NEW APARTMENT YAY!

Thanks and Giving

Well it’s that time of year again! Time to travel to Albany to spend time with the fam. Time to eat lots of great food and be with my favorite people on the planet. Time to sleep late and jerk off in my childhood home. Ah…the life.

For this holiday post, I’ve decided to write about the things that make me thankful as well as the things I would want to give away. Get it…Thanks and Giving. I’m so smott, it’s ridiculous!

First off, the THANKS:

I am thankful for marijuana. I am thankful to scummy Columbian drug lords that send teenage girls over the border with coke in their bellies, just so I can have a night of craziness with my friends. I am thankful that they take the risk of going to jail, so I can smoke a fatty and eat a whole pizza by myself. Thank you drug suppliers. Thank you for making this world a better place.

I am thankful to the Desperate Housewives for reminding me that the sitcom is not dead. In fact, it is alive and thriving and full of surprises! Can I just find out who killed fucking Mary Alice!? It’s maddening!! Also, I read that one of Bree’s (Marcia Cross) family members is a homo! Please start supplying some answers or I’ll have to chop my nuts off in rebellion.

I’m thankful for Jason Mraz, Nelly Furtado, Linkin Park, Evanescence, Guster, and Ryan Cabrerra’s “True”. You all make me happy with your musical genius. I would kill you with love if it meant that I wouldn’t go to jail.

I’m thankful for the “ugly woman”. In order to make friends with the “ugly woman”, tuck your dick in between your legs and walk around like a woman. In fact, simulate fingering yourself for the extra effect. It’s fucking hilarious every time I do it in front of my parents.

I’m thankful that my brother came home from Iraq safely after 18 months serving active duty. He’s my best friend and my hero and this Christmas I get to spend a week with him. Will absolutely be the time of my life.

I’m thankful that Kelly, Megan and I set out to write a play and we did it successfully. Transfer is Available impressed not only our friends and family, but us as well. How often do three people set out to accomplish something as huge as writing, directing, acting, and producing a show and have it actually happen? Not many and we did it and walked away with mad profits. I said MAD profits.

I’m thankful for Parliament Lights, cuz they taste so super good going down and so super good coming up the next morning. Black phlegm balls anyone?

I’m thankful for Jewish people for hiring a Gentile at their place of business and for treating me with nothing but respect. If I wasn’t a born-again Christian, I would be a born-again Jew. No questions asked.

I’m thankful for the fact that I can jerk off three times a day without fail. Also, it’s nice having gay cum. That means every baby that comes out of my dick, dies before turning my life into a nightmare. Babies are for IDIOTS!

Now, the Givings:

I would give away every thing that Ashley Simpson ever touched. Her voice in particular. I would give her to the homeless people of NYC and tell them that they could do whatever they wanted with her. Which hopefully is something that will hurt her very much. Both physically and emotionally.

I would give away migraine headaches. I’m due for one and I can just see it happening on the day I have to move out of my apartment. I give my migraine headaches to Ashley Simpson, unless the homeless people have bigger things planned for her.

I would give away egg farts. Paul seems to have a never ending supply and I’m so tired of waking up smelling like eggs. I don’t even eat breakfast, so it’s rather nasty to have to wake up to it cooking in our bed.

I would give away my dermatitis. Sometimes it flares up and makes me ugly. I try so hard to take care of my skin, but sometimes it doesn’t matter. Sometimes I’m just meant to look like a scaly beast.

I would give away the word “fag”. This weekend my roommate had some visitors in town. One of the guys that came decided that he knows enough gay people to toss around the word “fag”. It wasn’t like my faux pas from last weekend. He genuinely thinks its okay to refer to me as his fellow fag. Fuck the word fag and fuck the horse that douche bag rode in on. Sounds to me like he needs to get a little bit of butt fuck in order to stop his big mouth from opening up in bullshit fashions.

Lastly, in Thanksgiving tradition, I would give away stuffing and yams. Both make me yak a thousand yaks. Every year my dad would make me eat a small amount of stuffing for no other reason than he could. Now that I’m older, I’m no longer force-fed this bread-like trash, but it still makes me want to hurl when I see other family members gumming that mushy barfness. Yams…come ON! They’re just orange and full of sick.

I hope everyone enjoys the holiday. Spend some time with the family and with the friends and make the most out of each and every moment. Thank you pilgrims for your thoughtfulness in creating this holiday. And also thank you to the Native Americans for trying to kill the pilgrims for taking over their land. Pilgrims can be SO greedy when it’s not Thanks and Giving day.

HAPPIEST OF TURKEY DAYS!

Talk About a FoPAH! First of all, I don’t even know how to spell Fopah, but you get the point. Second of all, sometimes I say things that are so completely wrong and inappropriate that I deal with the guilt for DAYS and days. As a rule, I am a very up-front and honest person when it comes to things that come out of my mouth. Usually I hold no bars. I have no intention of offending anyone, but if asked my opinion, I give it. Also, my humor (as my readers know) tends to be pretty raw and unusual. I think I’m funny, so why wouldn’t anyone? Often I think that if I’m as raw as possible, people will double over in laughter. Well, sometimes that’s the case. Other times… I was at a party on Friday night for my friend Jason that I don’t know very well. Since I never go anywhere without a best friend in tow, I grabbed my bestie, Angie, and we went to Jay’s apartment in Tribeca. For the first hour, I spent all of my time talking to Angie and Jason. The event was in honor of Jason’s birthday so he had a lot of people there that I’ve never met before. I didn’t think that any of the people at the party were particularly nice to me, so I was a bit uncomfortable and continued to down as many drinks as I could. Eventually, Angie and I made our way into the group of people and rested uncomfortably among them. Somewhere in the middle of the conversations that were going on, I got drunk and heard Helen Keller jokes being made. Now, that’s so base and lame and totally uncreative. So guess what I shout out in the middle of the group? “You’re all a bunch of ignorant niggers!” SCREECH OF A RECORD PLAYER CAN BE HEARD IN THE ROOM. I look over at Angie and her jaw is on the floor. I look around the room and see 15 pairs of wide eyes staring at me in disbelief. WHY. Why did I say that?? What would possess me to say something so fucking stupid?????? I laugh it off and the group returns to talking about Helen Keller. (So it’s ok to make fun of the deaf and blind, but it’s not ok to say the word “nigger”?) (Yeah…I guess not.) Eventually Angie and I get up and smoke a joint by the window. Jason joins us and I tell him what happened as he was out of the room at the time. This is how our conversation went: Me: “Jason, you’re never going to believe what I said! I told everyone that they were a bunch of niggers!” Jason: (gasps) “What? Why?!” Me: “I don’t know. It just came out and now I feel like a complete racist.” Jason: “Well, that’s not a word we use in our group. It’s never really appropriate to say that.” Me: “I know that! I don’t know what came over me! I feel like a huge scumbag.” Jason: “Don’t worry about it. No one is acting like they notice. Just let it go.” Me: “But you’re a nigger Jason. A huge one.” Jason: “Why did you say it again?!” Me: “Cuz I thought it would eventually become funny if I just kept saying it.” Jason: (laughs) “Well, it’s funny. Now let’s stop.” Me: “Nigger lover”. Angie: (hysterically laughing) “Joe! STOP! NOW!” Me: “Nigger”. Angie: “STOP!” ME: “NIGGER!” Shortly after that we left the party. Oh man. When I woke up on Saturday morning, I lay in bed and thought about the fun parts of the night before. Then it hit me. Every single uncomfortable moment came flooding back and a pit developed in my stomach. HOW COULD I?!?!?!? I’m such a fucking idiot. In any case, it’s now Tuesday and the story has become classic amongst my group of friends. I don’t feel as bad now, but I definitely have learned a lesson. At 27 years old, the word “nigger” is no longer funny. No matter what the context. That is, unless I’m hanging out with my best friends. In that case…EVERYTHING IS UP FOR GRABS. Oh Joe…

Zombies Unite! As I sit here at work, recalling the events of this week, I’m reminded how many bottles of wine I threw down my throat. I mean, BOT-TELLS! I don’t think I’ve had a solid shit in days. Just puree of pizza, pinot griogio, and whatever else “p” word that makes my bowels turn upside down. Twas a good week tho. Paul and I have signed the lease for the new apartment. I am totally stoked about the new place. There is a gym and laundry and elevators and a doorman and an ATM and a roof deck and YEAH! I’m SO high class now. Or Paul is. He’s the one paying for the majority of the rent. I just bat my eyelashes and play with my rosacea and I get what I want. My face has been so completely dry this week. I’ll walk into work and sit at my desk for half the day before I even realize that I’ve shed most of my face onto my shirt. I’ve tried numerous lotions, but I think chugging wine and eating pizza may be having a negative effect on my complexion. Hmm. I guess I should drink a gallon of water today and snack on some fresh fruit. PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. Fuck that, fucker. I’ve had a pretty productive day at work. Aside from talking to Kelly over IM and calling my friend on her birthday, I’ve managed to have a great orgasm in the bathroom of my workplace. I always worry that I won’t remember to clean up the spooge. What if someone walks in to take a dump and they slip and fall into a pool of my cum? That would be quite a shame. All week long I had great ideas for the post I was going to write. Needless to say I’ve since forgotten all of the brilliant topics that were resting comfortably in my drunk mind. So I’ve resorted to talking about shit and cum and booze. Again. Why do people even READ this shit? Oh yeah, cuz it’s stimulation for the mind. And for the dick. Thanksgiving is coming soon! That’s all I have to say about that. I really enjoyed the movie Mean Girls. Lindsay Lohan is PRETTY great. And I just love that little Lacey Chabert. She’ll always be Claudia to me, but her acting is pretty wonderful. There is a scene in the movie where she sobs while saying the most ridiculous lines. She pulls it off incredibly. She can really do no wrong. And why is it that the concept of people being hit by busses is so played out, yet I still scream every time it happens? Maybe I was a bus driver in my last life. Or maybe I just masterbated on a lot of busses. Don’t piss me off. I have an hour left of work, but I’ve decided it’s time to go home. So, in conclusion, have a great weekend and go fuck yourself. Hugs!

And That’s That As we are all well aware, Mr. John Kerry has lost this year’s 2004 election. I probably shouldn’t be as surprised as I am, but that just goes to show how much heart I had invested in this election. Was it wrong for me to assume that this country was ready for a change? I guess that with my brother being in Iraq for a year and a half and with me living in NYC, I, once again, let the bubble that surrounds my life influence me into believing that Bush would lose this time around. Needless to say, I am sad to say that my bubble has finally burst. At least Bush won both the popular vote and the Electoral College votes. There is no need for lawyers or arguments over who is the true victor. The last thing I wanted was for Kerry to win by default. If the country wanted him as president, I was more than happy to be there in support. Now that he has lost, I must find a way to support President G.W. When Paul walked into the apartment on Tuesday night (around 1:30am), he found me quietly crying in his bedroom. I had just finished watching a report on how and why voters made their decisions. Turns out, the majority of the people that voted, based their ballot on “moral issues”. When hearing this explained and then tuning in to see the entire map of the U.S. covered in red, I fell apart. Why, in 2004, are people basing their votes on sexuality and abortion, rather than on the economy or health care or the increasing violence in the Middle East? It’s sad and frustrating and I have to admit that it makes me incredibly angry. Why does Middle America feel so strongly that abortion is wrong? Why does Middle America overwhelmingly agree that there should be a Consitutional Ammendment banning gay marriage? I’m so stupid for believing that our society was becoming a more tolerable, open-minded country. I’m ignorant for not seeing the population for what it is. The only comfort I have is the fact that I live in New York. Whether or not the country feels as though I should be allowed the same personal happiness and freedoms that everyone else is given, I know that New York is always in my corner. With everything political being run by Republicans, I do feel a sense of calm knowing that we have a few strong Democratic leaders coming out of this state. I trust in them and I will support them in whatever way I can. They are my life blood at this point. It’s not all as bad as it seems. For those readers of mine who feel frustrated and angry…keep your chins up. There is still a large majority of us who believe that women should have control over their bodies. There is still a huge population of gay people who would fight to the death to ensure that we are treated with the exact same level of respect and care that heterosexuals are automatically entitled too. We are still a nation of democracy and I believe that it will only be time (maybe 4 more years) before we are able to take back the liberties that we deserve. We just have to stick together. To all the Bush supporters…congratulations on a fair election. Your man has won without any doubt in my mind. I trust that those of you that voted Republican because of the war on terror will take a stand when your friends and family members have their basic human rights challenged. I trust that you will once again exercise the power you have to keep this country from becoming a prison of anything unique and different. If you are one of those people living in Wyoming or Kansas or Mississippi that voted for Bush based on “moral value”…shame on you. Shame on you for allowing the small town attitude that you have influence your vote on whether or not I should be allowed to embark on civil union, or anything else related. Shame, shame, shame on you. And now on to other news…

Election Day 2004 Tomorrow is the big day! I couldn’t be more nervous and anxious unless it was me running on the Democratic ticket. Clearly this is the biggest election to take place in my time on this earth. Who knows what the future will hold, but for this moment in time, the nation will collectively hold its breath to see who our leader will be for the next four years. For the last few months leading up to this election, I was more than convinced that President Bush would be making an easy and unstoppable comeback. I had reconciled with myself that the Republicans would be in charge again. While that made me extremely upset, all I could think to do was accept it. But now as the election is less than 24 hours away, my belief is that John Kerry could really pull this one off! He could actually boot GW from office and make things right again. When John Kerry was first introduced as the Democratic candidate for the Presidential Election, I was a bit concerned. He didn’t initially strike me as a leader. At least not strong enough in his convictions to save us from the mess that the current president has caused. Knowing that I had no choice but to vote for “anybody but Bush”, I was rather disappointed that my vote would be going to this lukewarm politician. After the telecasted debates and the numerous specials I’ve seen on John Kerry, I have never been more excited or thrilled at the idea of this candidate becoming president. He is clearly the man who will cause change. And that is precisely what the United States needs right now. Whether or not you believe that Kerry is a man of conviction, you must admit that Bush has single handedly destroyed the economy, our credibility as a nation, and the open minded community that Bill Clinton was trying so desperately hard to establish. Bush comes across as angry and illiterate. He gets frustrated easily and goes on the defensive almost immediately after he is asked to explain the Iraqi war or the tapes by Bin Laden or the disappearance of 400 thousand tons of explosives. I mean, seriously. Take SOME sort of responsibility for your actions. Are we supposed to just accept four more years of shifting the blame? Are we supposed to believe in a leader who can’t account for his mistakes? Gosh, whether or not you think Kerry will be a good president, you must admit that Bush has been a terrible one. Why give him another shot? If you are in your twenties or thirties, why would you vote for a man who wants to restrict your personal rights as an American? God forbid George W. ever succeeded in amendments eliminating abortions or homosexual marriage rights? God forbid, you ended up in a wheelchair and counted on the future of stem cell research? Basically, God forbid you vote for a president that uses spirituality as a way to influence your opinion. Has God come down from heaven to speak directly to George Bush? Based on his actions, I laugh at the thought. How dare he invoke the name of God in an effort to support his ill conceived ideas? It’s appalling and as a born again Christian, I think it is shameful and ugly. America is smarter than this and I can only hope the citizens of this country will go to the polls with clear heads. Otherwise, as they say, if you make your own bed, you must lay in it. Whatever you do, please don’t vote for Ralph Nadar. This election is way too close to be wasting a vote on a man who has no chance of taking the election home. Kerry has shown that he is a kind hearted, open minded and passionate individual who will do whatever he can to represent this country as honestly and forthcoming as he possibly can. It’s time to give another man the chance to clean up the damage caused by the worst president we’ve had in decades. GO KERRY! DEFEAT BUSH! See you on Wednesday with a post-election follow up!